Attack on Tia (anxiety, anxiety and more anxiety)

Does anxiety get worse the older you get?

It’s coming to a point where I can’t hide it. It’s really starting to effect everything I do. I can’t even think without my heart and mind racing. Any change to my routine sends me into a meltdown and there’s so much happening in the next couple weeks that’s freaking me out.

  • My boss telling us to get back into the office next week (no I am not! How can I get out of it? Should I quit?)
  • A wedding in 3 weeks (I have nothing to wear and don’t know how to start looking for something. WTF IS BLACK TIE!!?? What does that mean?)
  • Driving to Sydney for a week and a half (that’s a long time)
  • ME driving some of that 10 hour trip…… (What if I cant do it?)
  • My sister looking after the house (What if she hates being here? What if something happens?)
  • Me being away from my house for that long (I can’t get back if something goes wrong. I’ve never been away from my babies for that long)
  • House inspection (I dont need to add a comment. Anyone who knows me knows that I bleach walls and cry for a week cause nothing is good enough)

I went and stayed at my friends last night. But I left my house at 2:30pm. Everything was going good and I was getting my stuff all packed when suddenly I started sweating and felt like I was going to throw up. My heartrate slightly increased and the shakes started kicking in. WHY!!?? What the fuck is happening?

I could feel it start to creep up and decided to leave the house as soon as possible. Just incase I started freaking out on the road. I didnt’ want to have to pull over and then be stuck. What if I can’t get back in and drive?

I got there and was fine. We had a couple glasses of wine and talked about stuff.

Then night time came and I got a message at 11:30pm that basically set me off for the rest of my time there. My friend was sitting beside me telling me just to chill and don’t let things bother me. That’s kind of hard when I can’t control it. The whole event caused me to have some pretty shitty dreams. Like the type of dreams that highlight your insecurities and you wake up paranoid thinking that it’s some sort of message. Someone’s fucking with me, right? I woke up at 4:30am and didn’t get back to sleep till about 6. In my head I couldn’t stop replaying this dream like it was an omen of things to come.

In the morning I layed for while but started getting restless. I unconsciously started to pack my bags and get my shit into the car. My plan was to hang out with my friend for the day but I was just so anxious.

How’s your anxiety today?

Not good! I have to go home. I can feel it coming and I just need to make sure I’m home. Look, I’m shaking!

I got some nuggets on the way home and a coke because maybe I just needed to eat something.

Nope.

I was so nautious. But I just needed to make it home.

Once I got in the door I told Brendan why I was home so early and he gave me a hug. Then I just cried for 5 minutes. I couldn’t control myself. And that was the problem. Everyone’s telling me to relax and chill but THAT’S THE FUCKING ISSUE!!!!! I CAN’T!!!!

I can’t control my heart and I can’t control my head. I don’t know what the fuck either of them are doing but it’s out of my control. I can’t help my head being crazy sometimes and the worst thing is I can’t even get rest when I sleep. Sometimes I feel like I can’t run from this crap. This shit bothers me in my dreams too! So, all I could do was cry.

Then I threw up.

To make matters worse, the expected, dreaded house inspection was confirmed today. Of all days. It’s booked in for the 5th of April….. I’m not here then. In the email it says they have keys and they can come in without me being in attendance – No you fucking can’t! 5 years I’ve been here and I’ve never not been in attendance for a house inspection. I have dogs and a cat.

But I knew this was going to happen because like everything at the moment, these things have shit timing! I know my sister will be here that day but I don’t expect her to clean my house and know what to do with the dogs. Plus, my sister is also a pretty anxious person and I think giving her that responsibility would make her change her mind about house sitting.

I called up the real estate as soon as the email came through and asked if they can change the date. The email they send really makes it sound like there is no other options but the realtor said she had some inspections to do in the area the week after as well so she will change it….

PHEW!!!!

That was great however only eases my head a little. Now, as soon as I get back from Sydney I’m going to have to clean everything from top to bottom. I’m already planning on how I can do this. I’m going to do a full house clean for when my sister gets here so hopefully by the time she leaves I really don’t have to do a whole lot. More just a tidy.

Oh… and I just for remembered we have some gas fitters and an electrician coming in on the 22nd of March as requested by the real estate.

I know these things seem trivial to people and not worth getting all crazy about. I tell myself that as well. But these are the things that are bothering me.

And I can’t do anything about it.

  One thought on “Attack on Tia (anxiety, anxiety and more anxiety)

  1. March 11, 2022 at 6:52 pm

    People should Not be telling you that “Chill”. That is not helpful! While not everyone understands what you are going through; sympathy goes a long way. That being said; I wish you the best in all you have to deal with. I am glad the Realtor is willing to work with you. And Black Tie, I believe means evening gowns and suits, but I think you should Google it for specifics.

    Liked by 1 person

    • March 17, 2022 at 12:14 am

      I appreciate this comment and I agree.
      I think the people who tell me to “chill” say it from a place of helplessness. My boyfriend and my best friend are the closest to me but they know that they can’t say anything to make me feel better. And in those situations if you leave me to have my say, I could be blabbing for awhile.
      Maybe next time I get told to chill I’m just going to blab for as long as I want until I feel better 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: