Excuse Me, Dreams. Please Stop Ruining My Day.

I hate waking up in a shitty mood because of a damn dream. Am I the only one who does this? I may have had a good sleep but if I dream about an insecurity or an ex.. well… there goes my day.

Today was the ex. He tends to pop up every once in a while. When he’s there I usually find something out. For instance, one time I dreamt he was back in Australia. I was having another bad day after that and when I told someone my dream they were like… “Yeah.. he is. He’s back for a visit.”

Last year I dreamt he was married. When I brought this up to a couple people they were like “Well… he’s wearing a ring”. So… I dunno. But it puts a damper on my day. Especially as I do my best to stay away from anything related to him and don’t engage in conversation about him. I don’t want to know anything!

With the dreams, they’re not raunchy. Nothing sexual about it. I always feel hurt. Betrayed. There’s usually some sort of common agreement that shit went bad and an acknowledgement of feeling hurt on my part. In the dreams he is with someone. He seems happy but is either not happy or leaving. Either leaving the relationship or coming back to Australia. Sometimes he’s planning on coming back with whoever as well.

Last nights one was like that. I remember being in the city and seeing him and being surprised. My surprise went to frustration, and he tried talking to me. I didn’t want a bar of it but I agreed to talk. I just remember crying and for once I didn’t yell. I just told him how hurt I was and how I didn’t want it to have ended the way it did. We left it at that.

I spent all day thinking about this. Why do I dream of this person? Deep down I think I know. And I think I know what brought this on.

Yesterday I cleared out a quarter of the garage. I have a double and with me getting a car I need somewhere to put it. I have about 10 years’ worth of boxes. Some of it mine. Some of it not. He left the house and didn’t take anything. And I never went in there. I’ve been living in this house for going on 5 years and haven’t went through anything or threw anything out.

Together we lived in another house for 5 years. We dated for almost 7.

I had a guy come over and he took a trailer worth of empty boxes and garbage. But I still have so much more to go. Majority of the stuff the guy took was garbage from the last 2 years of Covid purchases. Just empty boxes, styrophome, things like that. What’s left is a huge amount of actual items I’ll need to sort through. And I know there is a box of things of his here. Old stuff from when he was a kid. Letters. Baby stuff. Still here.

I have 3 bags of his runners all ready to be thrown to charity. After the garage got cleared out, I told Brendan to get in the car cause “I need these shoes gone. Like right now!”. Unfortunately, the charity bins were full and we’re stuck with them at the moment. Just sitting there waiting to be given away.

At one point I was going to throw them in the garbage. Nothings wrong with them but my bitterness was overriding the charitable part of me. But I think I’ve worked through it and eventually came around to the idea of calmly going through his shit and sorting it out.

I’m guessing yesterday’s events sprung on the dream. I just hate the feelings and emotions that come with it.

Rejection.

Worthlessness.

Abandonment.

Insecurities.

Being replaceable.

All these things manifest and have me questioning my REAL LIFE relationship. What if this happens again? It’s terrifying to think about.

In real life I have a great boyfriend. Who came into my room this morning with a smile and a huge hug chirping “Morning beautiful”. Meanwhile, the feeling of being inadequate was still fresh.

I mentioned to Brendan how I dreamt of my ex again. “You didn’t tell me your dream” he said. “Yeah, I know. It’s no big deal”. He spent most of the day trying to cheer me up. But it was when he asked me “Do you still love me?” that I realized my emotions can be read like a book. “OF COURSE!” I replied. Fucking, of course I love him.

I wish I could convey how I feel better.

I wish I could explain that when something like this affects me the way it does, it has nothing to do with longing or love. It’s really about rejection. Which is something I haven’t dealt with too much. But something I clearly can’t accept. I got rejected and replaced by someone I trusted and wasted a could portion of my 20’s on. And I’m scared that’s going to happen again.

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