You Can’t Run Away From Yourself

It’s that time again! Where I sit and think about how much I hate myself. Which is where I’m at the moment. Work can take a break for today while I sit in bed moping, watching day time TV and popping Forte like it’s candy. I’m half hoping that I’ll eventually pass out but I’m still conscious that it’s only 2:30pm and technically I’m still on the clock. I can’t wait to start doing shots!

I just can’t be fucked with life today.

The best way I can describe how I feel right now is just over it. Over me. I get like this occasionally but usually something will happen or someone will say something that trips the cord in my head and starts me on this downward spiral. Majority of the time who ever triggers it doesn’t even realize it and then I’m like this.

You know how the last couple years it’s been all about “trigger warnings” and announcing what you’re going to talk about before you do? Just in case some one is in ear lengths and hears you talking about something that fucked them up? Yeah I get it. That’s kind of like how it is with me. Only difference is I don’t expect a trigger warning. If I’m out and have to be in the vicinity of something that makes me weird I will usually go silent or start playing on my phone. Maybe I’ll even leave the area. I don’t ask people to stop talking. I don’t say anything. But you’d have to be an idiot to not realize I’m uncomfortable in the situation. Like, how out of touch or unaware are you to see someone is uncomfortable? Would it not be common courtesy just to change the subject? When the subject continues though and you’re left sitting there like a weirdo who’s fault does it become? Mine for being so “sensitive” or theirs for not caring enough to change the topic? I mean, I’m depressed. I feel suicidal. But because someone I’m close to lost someone in that way I hold back on voicing how I feel. Even though it’s a big issue for me I don’t want to upset them. I don’t want them to feel bad. I’d like to know if someone has ever thought to be polite like that with me. But no, I’m the one with the issue. I need to chill out. I need to not be so sensitive and get over it.

Seeing as I can’t stop what people say or the way they think I sometimes feel it would just be easier to remove myself from everything.

I’ve thought about this a lot and what this could mean for me or how this could work. No matter which way I turn it the end result is always me being alone but everything’s quiet. No voices telling me how crap I am or how I’m never going to be happy. No society’s standards hanging over my head that I will never be able to obtain. And the older I get the further it becomes so what’s the point?

This has me feeling like a shit friend. A shit person in general. And I can’t shake it. I want to stop everything and just curl up in bed and stare at the wall (which is basically what I’m doing today). I don’t want to see people. I don’t want to socialize. I’m scared I’m going to get into one of those moods again and what, bring the vibe down? How am I supposed to control that? Do I just not have any friends and break up with my boyfriend because my mind is fucked? So, just be alone?

Because everyone is an individual and I can’t control everyone let alone myself, I sometimes feel the only way out of this constant mind fuck is just to get out. I’ve suggested being alone but I know that will just be worse. But I can’t be with other people. What if this is how my head is forever? Maybe there’s drugs or something I can take that can straighten me out? The worst thing about feeling that low is that I’m not even angry about it. I’m not mad at anyone. I’m annoyed with myself but it’s more to relieve myself of this pressure in my head.

People say that’s all it is, all in my head but I don’t believe that.

I just wish I could explain how I feel without people thinking I’m overly sensitive or sounding like I’m crazy. My absolute disgust in myself makes it hard for me to do shit sometimes. Socializing makes me anxious. All I want to do is look for ways to get out of doing it. But.. I can’t. I have to do it.

I don’t know. I’m just over being me. I wish I could be different but there’s somethings you just can’t change.

Maybe if I just did a lot of drugs all the time I’d be better. I’d be too numbed out to care about what people talk about. I’d be too numb to care about the way that I look. I guess I’d be kind of like a shell but at least I wouldn’t be anxious and everyone can continue on with their life without worrying about me (If they do). I suppose the same would be the case if I wasn’t here but that one seems rather permanent.

I may as well smile on the way down

  One thought on “You Can’t Run Away From Yourself

  1. Timothy Price
    January 19, 2021 at 3:12 pm

    Being depressed and suicidal are really serious issues. Being totally drugged out is not the answer, but some drugs do help. My daughter has had the same issues. She has a lot of support from us, but I don’t know what the best thing is if you don’t have a support network. It’s not just getting over it, being more sensitive, etc. It’s really about how to pull yourself out of the depression and feeling that you totally suck. You don’t totally suck, and you are obviously a sensitive person, but I don’t have an answer. However, the fact you recognize the problems is a good sign.

    Like

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