It’s Hard Being Miserable

It’s been an emotional day.

Why?

1) Life sucks.

2) I’m bloated and my head looks real round.

3) I can’t work out how much I weigh cause the 2 scales I have are giving my 2 different weights.

4) I’m also PMSing hard. But surely me crying all day has nothing to do with that.

I’m kind of at the point again where I look at my life and ask myself “what the fuck am I doing?”. I’m not happy with my job. It’s not “me”. I’m thankful for it and I’m thankful for the opportunity but at the same time I’m being given all these new responsibilities and I’m looking at them like I just moved to a foreign country and didn’t even attempt to learn the language before getting there. Like, am I actually dumb?

One of my tasks at work which has been a new thing the last 2 weeks, is I have to conduct a meeting every Thursday and discuss my main role which is complaints. I have to go through stats or discuss high trends and talk about how we can better them or about any changes we can/need to make.

I FUCKING CRIED AND THREW UP BEFORE THE MEETING THEN PROCEEDED TO CRY WHILE HOSTING IT!!

I kid you not. I just quietly sobbed while people were going over some discussion points because I FUCKING HATE TALKING SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!! I don’t know why this happens but so far it’s been twice. And I’ve only done 2 meetings (last weeks one I called in sick). I explained to my boss I have bad anxiety and I get nervous. I explained that I get physically sick and the nights before I actually can’t sleep. Like, I’m dreaming this shit. If I knew this was going to be a part of my role I would have told them to keep me on the phones. I’d rather be yelled at by customers then speak.

In most meetings I’m pretty quiet too. I know I need to talk more but I just can’t. Even when I try to step up and ask a question about something I know about my words get all jumbled and I sound like a twat. My brain just goes to mush. I write dot points and notes for myself….. I can’t even read them! They look like all the words have been swapped around and I speak like I’m learning English for the first time. It’s fucked up.

My secondment is coming up again in March. I wont get a permanent position. I know that. I’m a background bitch. I do the mundane repetitive crap while the people with brains do the organizing and the changing to improve the company. I help by knowing how to do my job and doing it without bothering people. I mean my boss did say that if I didn’t do the job that I do the other people wouldn’t be able to get shit done because they would have to juggle the shit as well. He didn’t say it in those words but you get what I mean.

The trauma with today had me thinking about how unhappy I am and how I’m literally slowly destroying myself because of it. Physically and mentally. Just depressed 24/7. Even when I’m having a good time and laughing, it’s a facade. At least until Monday.

You know, I was watching a show today. Best way to sum it up was ‘The Amazing Race’ but for dogs and their owners. These people get to travel the world going to different countries and doing missions with their cute dogs. You know I cried watching that? It definitely could have been PMS but I cried for 20 minutes because I was jealous of the fucking dogs. How dumb is that?

Here’s these dogs enjoying their life. Lovin’ and livin’ life to the fullest.

Then there’s me. Jealous of dogs.

I’m sitting here looking at my 2 dogs and being like… “we’re fucking losers. You guys can’t do half this shit and would probably run off and get lost. DEFINITELY wouldn’t listen to me. And me, I’m not even half as cool as these owners with their cool jobs and dogs who listen to them and wear little jackets and sunglasses. What the fuck are we doing with our lives? I could have been one of those bitches who live in California but no… I’m not. And now I’m too old for this shit”

Yes, that was an actual conversation I had with myself. Or at least that was true to the thoughts I had.

So anyways, instead of posting about the 4 deliveries I had today because someone (clearly me) went stupidly crazy with the Black Friday sales… I opted for a pitty party post.

Lets just blame it on PMS.

  One thought on “It’s Hard Being Miserable

  1. Timothy Price
    December 4, 2020 at 2:15 am

    You have some serious anxiety. I understand where you are coming from. I’ve never liked talking in groups, running meetings, etc. I don’t like doing presentations because I go blank, forget where I am, stumble over words, etc. It’s really nerve racking. I prefer to answer questions. I feel more in control answering questions. Seems weird. You definitely are not in a good position to have to deal with that kind of anxiety. And, unfortunately, bosses will consider you high maintenance. It’s sad you have to go through this. I can’t really say it gets better with experience, but I have to do presentations, run meetings and deal with groups (ugh!), I still get nervous, forget things, stumble over my words, but with age I’ve gotten where it doesn’t whack me out as badly as it used to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • December 5, 2020 at 10:52 pm

      You’re right. And it sucks you still feel that way as well. But I hope I can get to that point where I am not as bothered by it even though I hate it. I did tell my boss about it again and he suggested we do a test run the day before my next meeting. We’ll see how it goes!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Timothy Price
        December 6, 2020 at 2:01 am

        That’s a good suggestion and it’s great he’s willing to work with you on it. I’ve read some big name performers have performance anxiety and have similar symptoms and reactions before they go on stage. You are not alone.

        Like

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